Suicide Prevention Day

     It saddens me that we have to have a suicide prevention day, but I understand the need. Donny was seven when he was first considered a suicide risk. At first that was hard for me to understand. He was still a baby, but my baby had the beginnings of a plan on how he would do it. The psychiatrist explained that it isn't like with older people that become consumed in their depression and end their life to end the sadness. He said its more because of his anger issues and impulsivity. He said that children struggling with these issues are prone to commit suicide to get back at someone for making them angry and don't stop to think about the fact that they won't be there anymore.
     As Donny grew up, the risk continued but the reasons shifted somewhat. There is still the anger and impulsivity factor but now there is the escape factor. When things get too overwhelming for Donny, he looks for a way to escape. If he can't find any other way to escape, he then looks to suicide. To this date, he has attempted suicide 3 times, thankfully unsuccessfully each time.
     As a parent, this is our worst nightmare. I live in fear of him actually being successful at some point. Statistically, with each attempt, his chances of being successful increase. I pray that he finds some peace. I pray that he doesn't fall into drugs and alcohol like so many other teens that are dealing with mental illness. I also pray that I don't let my fear of losing my baby keep me from being a parent to him. Sometimes I worry that if I push too hard, he'll do something bad, but at the same time I know that it is in his best interest that he is held accountable for his actions. It feels like I am on a balance beam 100 feet in the air. One wrong step could be deadly consequences. At the same time I'm also trying to be there for my other children. I know I have made mistakes. I have my own demons to deal with and sometimes they interfere when I'm dealing with the kids. Sometimes I'm so afraid of making a major mistake that I just want to curl up in bed and hide from life, but that's not an option. So, instead, I pray for another day with my children. I pray that Donny beats his demons and lives a long life. I pray that I do the right things as his parent and that I don't give into the fear or anger. I pray that I show him that I love and accept him. I pray that we all hold him accountable and that he sees that we are doing it out of love. Most of all, I pray that when tomorrow comes, he is still here to feel our love.
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Wow. It has been a long time since I have posted anything. Life has been busy.

     We are getting ready to start a new chapter in our home. This year, we have decided that instead of sending Donny to the school that he is zoned for, that we would try an online public school. We are really excited about this. We haven't gone into this without a lot of thought, prayer and discussions. Of course we are worried about him having a lack of social interactions, but we will have to be responsible for putting those in his path.
     This year, the school district said the students had to go to the school that they were zoned for. In the past, they had bussed the students to one further away. My biggest issue with him going to the one we are zoned for is that it is literally, right across the street from us. Now for some students, this  would be an advantage. For Donny, this is a major disadvantage. Donny is a runner. When he feels overwhelmed or angry, he just wants to escape. Last year he school was too far from home for him to leave, even though he threatened to do that more than once. With the school be across the street, there is not the distance to make him stop and think about his actions.
     Another consideration is the program he is in is ran a lot like ISS. The students sit in cubicles all day. They eat there and they work there. There isn't a lot of interaction between the students or anyone else. This causes boredom and self entertainment, which usually ends with a phone call to us.
     All this being said, we are starting a new chapter. Online Public Education. Thursday we will be having our Transfer ARD meeting. I'm not sure who is more excited, Donny or us. Praying that we made the right decision.

Insurance

I am thankful that we have had insurance over the years, but sometimes I get frustrated with them. For example, Donny's anxiety levels seem to be spiking right now, but for the most part, he has been fairly stable lately. Then in December we received a letter from the insurance company saying they will no longer pay for the Abilify, which has been working as his stabilizer lately. I've tried fighting it but for some reason, they seem to think they know better than the doctors. So obviously, the insurance companies are no longer looking out for the patient's best interests.

Then looking for support staff, it is difficult to find counselors that take insurance. A few of stated that the insurance companies actually hurt their business either by tying their hands on what they can/cannot do for their patients or by not paying the doctor in a timely manner for services rendered. So the insurance companies are looking out for the doctors.

Who are the insurance companies looking out for? It seems to me they are only looking out for themselves and their stockholders. I get it that they need to look out for the best interest of their stockholders, but I have to look out for the best interest of my son.

Surely there is a way that the insurance companies can help their customers while still representing their stockholders. I hope with faith they can figure it out.

My baby

I picked Donny up from school this afternoon to go to his weekly counseling appointment. He was a bit hyper and silly, talking 100 mph.  As we leave the parking lot, I sneezed violently and had to cover my mouth. Donny started screaming at me to put two hands on the wheel and then was crying that he didn't want to die. This seemed a bit melodramatic considering the car never swerved or anything, but just as quickly he changed again and was talking 100 mph again. Then he mentioned food so I knew we were ok for the moment.

We made it to counseling. Then on the way home he made another interesting comment. He said he was mad at God for making him this way. He immediately looked skyward at tells God "I love you but why did you have to make me this way. I don't like being like this."

What's a mom to say to something like that? I understand his frustration. Sometimes he feels like he doesn't have control of his own thoughts. I told him that no matter what I love him. I also told him that God doesn't make mistakes. That everything happens for a reason and maybe someday he'll understand the reason. The whole time my heart was breaking because I too have questioned why.

Why does my son have bipolar disorder? Why does he have to be so difficult to get along with others. Why does he have to destroy his room as quickly as we organize it? Why us? Then there are my son's questions. Why can't I have food with dye in it? Why don't I have friends? Why can't I be like other children? Why did God make me like this? 

I don't have the answers. I'm not even sure they matter. What matters is that I love my son, no matter what. Together our family is learning how to cope with Donny's mental illnesses. There are good days and there are bad days. Some days have good moments and rough moments. We just take each day as it comes and thank God for our blessings. 

Fear

For a long time, I allowed fear to run my life. Fear of what other people would think, fear of Donny hurting himself, fear of Donny hurting someone else, fear of what Donny's mood swings were doing to my family. I still feel fear every single day, but we are trying not to let it destroy our family. We live our life one day at a time and we have put our trust in God's hands. Every morning as my son goes to school, I pray that he has a good day at school. I pray that he doesn't lose it and end up back at the juvenile detention center. I pray that his next attempt to hurt himself is as unsuccessful as his previous attempts. I pray that when I come home from work that he'll be here and in a good mood. Like other people living with bipolar, Donny's emotions are like a roller coaster, up and down, whipping first one direction and then another, sometimes crippling you with fear and others times full of exciting joy. Sometimes you just need to hold on tight and scream and other times burst out in laughter.

As a family, we have gone through different phases in how we deal with living our life. Of course there was the initial denial stage where you pretend like there is nothing different in your family than anyone else's family. It's hard to accept sometimes. No parent wants to hear that their child's not absolutely perfect. We want our children to have it all and be the best. Then came the anger and blame game. Whose fault is it that our son is this way? Now I can jokingly tell my hubby it's all his fault and he says back to me that our son is just like his mama, but at one time those comments were said in anger and accusation. We needed to blame someone. If I'm being totally honest, this phase almost destroyed our family. There were times that I would wonder why are we even trying to pretend to be a family. It was a lonely and frustrating time for all of us. Unfortunately, this phase tries to resurface every time Donny is going through bad phases that linger. Last year, when Donny was arrested and spent time in the JDC, my husband and I basically stopped talking to each other for almost a month. I feared that there was no way we would get through the ordeal as a couple, but we did. We started to find our way back to each other. We beat the statistics, so far. One of the things we have learned is that many parents of bipolar children end up getting divorced. I understand and thought about it many times. It's so hard sometimes that I would think that maybe it's just not worth it. I would question whether or not I actually loved my husband. I couldn't understand why we were so miserable. But we were making classic mistakes. We made no time for us. We had one or two dates a year. It's hard to find babysitters for a bipolar child, so when you do find them, you don't want to take advantage of them. You tend to save them for emergencies only. We also wouldn't go places. We let the fear take over and it almost destroyed us. Now we are fighting back. We are trying to make time for us as a couple. We are taking time to have conversations. And although we still don't get Date Night, we have started having a family date night once a month. We are picking a different restaurant each month and going as a family. We are battling our fear of what others might think and at the same time working with the boys on how to behave in public. Things may not be perfect in our home but we are trying to take back our lives and not let fear control us. As I told a friend the other night, we get through each day by putting our lives in God's hands and taking life one day at a time. When things start to be overwhelming, we start counting our blessing and remember the Serenity Prayer. I've always loved the Footprints in the Sand poem, but at this phase in my life, it has taken on a new meaning and I am so thankful for my Lord and Savior. Through him our family is mending its wounds.

The Holidays

Its been a while since my last post. The holidays are always a trying time. It really doesn't matter if you struggle with mental illness or not. But for my Donny, it means lots of changes in his routine. He does not do well with that. November and December seem to be a time when as a family, we just kind of hang on and try to get through each day as best as we can.

Starting with Thanksgiving, our school district usually has Wed-Friday off. I usually cook the family dinner. Most years my mother in law has to work, because nursing homes don't close for the holidays. We have the deal, that she helps me purchase the food and I prepare it. I do this because its important. I remember holidays at my Grandparents. They are some of my best memories from growing up and I want my children to have that too. But because of that, Wednesday is usually spent with all the prep cooking for the feast on Thursday. Because Donny is allergic to artificial dyes, we are very careful about what we serve, but that means most everything is made from scratch. Its hard to find premade foods without some kind of artificial dye, but they have a harsh affect on Donny. They bring out his aggressiveness. Thursday is more cooking and then we spend the weekend either shopping or getting ready for Christmas.

December is not easy either. There is all the extra distractors from the holiday decorations. And its hard to find holiday treats without artificial dye. Also, our son Drew, celebrates his birthday and that is another issue. There are the parties and the shopping, the wrapping. This year, we had some extra stress.

I've been struggling with my own health issues. I've been having lots of pain and numbness in my legs. By the end of the day, they hurt so bad that if someone bumps them, I was brought to immediate tears. It took two months to get into the neurologist. He has narrowed it down to my L4 vertebrae. We have more testing to do, but at least now I am able to take something to help with the pain so that it is not absolutely immobilizing me.

The other thing has to do with the schools. Donovan is in a class where there is very little personal interaction. The students are isolated in their personal study areas. The main interactions are with adults. They do not get to participate in physical education. They spend their day in their personal space. Donny does ok, but sometimes he seeks out human interaction. He did this the week before school got out for Christmas. He was having a day. He started the day by saying that he hadn't taken his meds. When they called me to check on it, I told them that my husband deals with the morning meds so I would have to check with him. He said that yes he had taken them. He said that he had given it to him and went to get him something to eat, so he didn't actually see them go in his mouth, but Donny isn't one that you have to worry about. He is compliant about his meds. Then Donny tried to get his teacher's attention, but she had to go to a meeting. So then he played his trump card. He said the one thing that he knew would get him some attention. He told his teacher that he was thinking about hurting himself. This got him lots of adults giving him attention. He also got to go home early. I know the school had to follow their protocals for this, but at the same time, he was rewarded for manipulating the system.

Don't get me wrong. I know that Donny has tried to hurt himself in the past. The difference is how he is at the time. When Donny is truly in a crisis where he is in danger of hurting himself, he doesn't talk about it. He gets more and more aggitated. Nothing we do helps him regain control. He just escalates and then acts out. I've witnessed this and had to intervene. From experience, if Donny is talking about hurting himself, what he is saying is that he needs someone to slow down and give him some attention. Its just a matter of knowing him so that you can see beyond the words to what he is truly saying. I guess the school didn't see it my way though, because he had a visitor right after Christmas. The CPS investigator stated that the concerns were that my son stated that "my mom hates me and my family would be better off without me" and that we expected him to medicate himself everyday.

The second is far from the truth but the first one I find interesting. I think though that is best left for another day. All I will say today is that most teens express something along those lines at some point, why would you expect a teen living with mental illness to mean it more than the average teen?

Traveling with Bipolar Disorder

We are like everyone else. Sometimes it is nice to get away. The difference is our trips tend to not be tranquil or boring. Traveling with Donny is a masters degree in patience. It doesn't take him long to become bored, even though he tends to pack more things than he could ever hope to use on the trip. On top of what he packs, I usually pack the portable DVD player and his Nintendo ds. Donny also has issues with feeling claustrophobic. When the 4 kids and I would drive to Iowa from Houston, he would have a really hard time. Usually about Dallas, he would start picking fights with his siblings or he would throw a tantrum. I would usually end up pulling over to referee the ensuing fight, which usually ended up with me either restraining Donny or spanking him or both. Then again in Missouri and if it was a particularly difficult trip, somewhere along Interstate 80. What we have discovered in the last few years is that he is acting out because his anxiety level is skyrocketing and he doesn't know how to express what he is feeling. His emotions are so chaotic and twisted up and he just couldn't get a grasp of what he was feeling.
This weekend, we drove the 5 hours down to Edinburg, TX for my nephew's 4th birthday. We were about 45 minutes from Edinburg and he started. He started picking at Drew, trying to start a fight. Then he started with me, at one point throwing something that ended up hitting me in the ear. We were finally able to talk him down and Oscar was questioning him about what feelings he was having and why didn't he use his words to tell us what he was feeling before they got that bad. On the way home, we had one bad tantrum. We pulled over and stretched our legs.  Donny and Oscar talked about what was going on with Donny. A couple of hours later, Donny got my attention to tell me he was starting to get anxious and the frustration was causing him to get angry. We were able to help him calm his anxiety and avoided another tantrum. Donny being able to voice his feelings to avoid a tantrum was HUGE! Besides the obvious avoidance of the tantrum, his voicing his feelings in an appropriate manner is something we have been working on for years. Tonight, I'm doing the happy dance. Don't worry. I know that tomorrow we could very well be back where we were yesterday, but if he could do it once, he could do it again.