Fear

For a long time, I allowed fear to run my life. Fear of what other people would think, fear of Donny hurting himself, fear of Donny hurting someone else, fear of what Donny's mood swings were doing to my family. I still feel fear every single day, but we are trying not to let it destroy our family. We live our life one day at a time and we have put our trust in God's hands. Every morning as my son goes to school, I pray that he has a good day at school. I pray that he doesn't lose it and end up back at the juvenile detention center. I pray that his next attempt to hurt himself is as unsuccessful as his previous attempts. I pray that when I come home from work that he'll be here and in a good mood. Like other people living with bipolar, Donny's emotions are like a roller coaster, up and down, whipping first one direction and then another, sometimes crippling you with fear and others times full of exciting joy. Sometimes you just need to hold on tight and scream and other times burst out in laughter.

As a family, we have gone through different phases in how we deal with living our life. Of course there was the initial denial stage where you pretend like there is nothing different in your family than anyone else's family. It's hard to accept sometimes. No parent wants to hear that their child's not absolutely perfect. We want our children to have it all and be the best. Then came the anger and blame game. Whose fault is it that our son is this way? Now I can jokingly tell my hubby it's all his fault and he says back to me that our son is just like his mama, but at one time those comments were said in anger and accusation. We needed to blame someone. If I'm being totally honest, this phase almost destroyed our family. There were times that I would wonder why are we even trying to pretend to be a family. It was a lonely and frustrating time for all of us. Unfortunately, this phase tries to resurface every time Donny is going through bad phases that linger. Last year, when Donny was arrested and spent time in the JDC, my husband and I basically stopped talking to each other for almost a month. I feared that there was no way we would get through the ordeal as a couple, but we did. We started to find our way back to each other. We beat the statistics, so far. One of the things we have learned is that many parents of bipolar children end up getting divorced. I understand and thought about it many times. It's so hard sometimes that I would think that maybe it's just not worth it. I would question whether or not I actually loved my husband. I couldn't understand why we were so miserable. But we were making classic mistakes. We made no time for us. We had one or two dates a year. It's hard to find babysitters for a bipolar child, so when you do find them, you don't want to take advantage of them. You tend to save them for emergencies only. We also wouldn't go places. We let the fear take over and it almost destroyed us. Now we are fighting back. We are trying to make time for us as a couple. We are taking time to have conversations. And although we still don't get Date Night, we have started having a family date night once a month. We are picking a different restaurant each month and going as a family. We are battling our fear of what others might think and at the same time working with the boys on how to behave in public. Things may not be perfect in our home but we are trying to take back our lives and not let fear control us. As I told a friend the other night, we get through each day by putting our lives in God's hands and taking life one day at a time. When things start to be overwhelming, we start counting our blessing and remember the Serenity Prayer. I've always loved the Footprints in the Sand poem, but at this phase in my life, it has taken on a new meaning and I am so thankful for my Lord and Savior. Through him our family is mending its wounds.

The Holidays

Its been a while since my last post. The holidays are always a trying time. It really doesn't matter if you struggle with mental illness or not. But for my Donny, it means lots of changes in his routine. He does not do well with that. November and December seem to be a time when as a family, we just kind of hang on and try to get through each day as best as we can.

Starting with Thanksgiving, our school district usually has Wed-Friday off. I usually cook the family dinner. Most years my mother in law has to work, because nursing homes don't close for the holidays. We have the deal, that she helps me purchase the food and I prepare it. I do this because its important. I remember holidays at my Grandparents. They are some of my best memories from growing up and I want my children to have that too. But because of that, Wednesday is usually spent with all the prep cooking for the feast on Thursday. Because Donny is allergic to artificial dyes, we are very careful about what we serve, but that means most everything is made from scratch. Its hard to find premade foods without some kind of artificial dye, but they have a harsh affect on Donny. They bring out his aggressiveness. Thursday is more cooking and then we spend the weekend either shopping or getting ready for Christmas.

December is not easy either. There is all the extra distractors from the holiday decorations. And its hard to find holiday treats without artificial dye. Also, our son Drew, celebrates his birthday and that is another issue. There are the parties and the shopping, the wrapping. This year, we had some extra stress.

I've been struggling with my own health issues. I've been having lots of pain and numbness in my legs. By the end of the day, they hurt so bad that if someone bumps them, I was brought to immediate tears. It took two months to get into the neurologist. He has narrowed it down to my L4 vertebrae. We have more testing to do, but at least now I am able to take something to help with the pain so that it is not absolutely immobilizing me.

The other thing has to do with the schools. Donovan is in a class where there is very little personal interaction. The students are isolated in their personal study areas. The main interactions are with adults. They do not get to participate in physical education. They spend their day in their personal space. Donny does ok, but sometimes he seeks out human interaction. He did this the week before school got out for Christmas. He was having a day. He started the day by saying that he hadn't taken his meds. When they called me to check on it, I told them that my husband deals with the morning meds so I would have to check with him. He said that yes he had taken them. He said that he had given it to him and went to get him something to eat, so he didn't actually see them go in his mouth, but Donny isn't one that you have to worry about. He is compliant about his meds. Then Donny tried to get his teacher's attention, but she had to go to a meeting. So then he played his trump card. He said the one thing that he knew would get him some attention. He told his teacher that he was thinking about hurting himself. This got him lots of adults giving him attention. He also got to go home early. I know the school had to follow their protocals for this, but at the same time, he was rewarded for manipulating the system.

Don't get me wrong. I know that Donny has tried to hurt himself in the past. The difference is how he is at the time. When Donny is truly in a crisis where he is in danger of hurting himself, he doesn't talk about it. He gets more and more aggitated. Nothing we do helps him regain control. He just escalates and then acts out. I've witnessed this and had to intervene. From experience, if Donny is talking about hurting himself, what he is saying is that he needs someone to slow down and give him some attention. Its just a matter of knowing him so that you can see beyond the words to what he is truly saying. I guess the school didn't see it my way though, because he had a visitor right after Christmas. The CPS investigator stated that the concerns were that my son stated that "my mom hates me and my family would be better off without me" and that we expected him to medicate himself everyday.

The second is far from the truth but the first one I find interesting. I think though that is best left for another day. All I will say today is that most teens express something along those lines at some point, why would you expect a teen living with mental illness to mean it more than the average teen?

Traveling with Bipolar Disorder

We are like everyone else. Sometimes it is nice to get away. The difference is our trips tend to not be tranquil or boring. Traveling with Donny is a masters degree in patience. It doesn't take him long to become bored, even though he tends to pack more things than he could ever hope to use on the trip. On top of what he packs, I usually pack the portable DVD player and his Nintendo ds. Donny also has issues with feeling claustrophobic. When the 4 kids and I would drive to Iowa from Houston, he would have a really hard time. Usually about Dallas, he would start picking fights with his siblings or he would throw a tantrum. I would usually end up pulling over to referee the ensuing fight, which usually ended up with me either restraining Donny or spanking him or both. Then again in Missouri and if it was a particularly difficult trip, somewhere along Interstate 80. What we have discovered in the last few years is that he is acting out because his anxiety level is skyrocketing and he doesn't know how to express what he is feeling. His emotions are so chaotic and twisted up and he just couldn't get a grasp of what he was feeling.
This weekend, we drove the 5 hours down to Edinburg, TX for my nephew's 4th birthday. We were about 45 minutes from Edinburg and he started. He started picking at Drew, trying to start a fight. Then he started with me, at one point throwing something that ended up hitting me in the ear. We were finally able to talk him down and Oscar was questioning him about what feelings he was having and why didn't he use his words to tell us what he was feeling before they got that bad. On the way home, we had one bad tantrum. We pulled over and stretched our legs.  Donny and Oscar talked about what was going on with Donny. A couple of hours later, Donny got my attention to tell me he was starting to get anxious and the frustration was causing him to get angry. We were able to help him calm his anxiety and avoided another tantrum. Donny being able to voice his feelings to avoid a tantrum was HUGE! Besides the obvious avoidance of the tantrum, his voicing his feelings in an appropriate manner is something we have been working on for years. Tonight, I'm doing the happy dance. Don't worry. I know that tomorrow we could very well be back where we were yesterday, but if he could do it once, he could do it again.

September

Its been a while since I have posted. Between my classroom and the boys' school, it has been a bit crazy. Donny did well the first couple of weeks of school. Now that the work has gotten harder, we are starting to have some struggles. When Donny gets frustrated because he doesn't understand something or he gets overwhelmed when he looks at something that looks like a lot, he doesn't communicate how he is feeling. Its like he doesn't know how to or he thinks its just easier to act out. He is looking for a way to escape the situation. Sometimes I wonder if he even realizes what he is doing. We are working on his communication skills and hopefully, with consistent encouragement, he will begin communicating his feelings.
I want to use my communication skills right now. Tonight I was catching up on Facebook. I came across a simple posting of a relative and friend. Two other women took over her post and in the end, they were not being very nice. The reason I am bringing this up, is one of the ladies made some blanket statements that I have heard numerous times from various sources. She made a comment about serial killers coming from broken homes and being abused. There were some comments about criminals and mental illness.
The first point I want to make is, mental illness knows no boundaries. Anyone could be affected by it. It doesn't care how many parents a child has or how much income. My son comes from a two parent family who have been there for him. The one thing we heard over and over again while dealing with the courts, is that it was not common for these children to have two parents that were so involved in their child's life. Our son has not been abused but he has been disciplined. One of the many doctors we have seen over the years said to me once that one in ten people with ADHD has other issues too.
The other point I want to make is that just because a person struggles with mental illness, does not mean they are bad people. When Donny is having a good day, he is loving and fun to be around. He can be so thoughtful and caring. He has an unusual sense of humor and an inquisitive mind. He also has an intelligence that his school work doesn't show.
The third point I want to make is that society has for some reason made it ok to make snap judgements about people. People are encouraged to voice their opinions without knowing all the facts. I'm going to be a bit cliche and suggest that things might not be what they seem. Also, don't judge a book by its cover. Without knowing the whole story, you really shouldn't judge others. I have a friend whose nephew was charged as a child molester cuz at 17, he was doing what boys do (so I've been told) and his 4 year old cousin ran into his room followed by the mother. The mother pressed charges that he exposed himself to her daughter. With Donny, I have heard more times than I could even count that his problem is that he needs to be spanked. Been there, done that, it only made his behavior worse. So my challenge to you, try to not judge others, you might not know the whole story. Think about how you would feel if someone judged you without knowing all the facts.

Changes

Change is hard. Not very many people actually embrace change. The unknown is scary. I've seen it over and over again, at work, in society and with my family. My daughter used to freak out before every visit to her dad's house. Not because she didn't want to go, but because it was a change of her routine. When a school gets a new principle, both the staff and the parents have feelings of anxiety. They all wonder if they will be able to work with the new administrator.
Now, imagine that anxiety multiplied and amplified. That's our Donny. He has always done best with consistent routines. We first realized how bad the anxiety was the May he was in Kindergarten. Around the middle of May, we noticed he was playing with his hair. He would take a small amount and rub his fingers together. Then we noticed that he was starting to get little bald spots.We went to see the pediatrician. He called it, trichotillamania. It is a manifestation from the anxiety and the OCD. My hubby and I thought we were smart, so we got his hair buzzed short enough that he couldn't grab any of the hair. That's when we learned that people with Trich will then pull whatever hairs on their body that they can, eyelashes and eye brows for example. Donny looked a little unusual without eyebrows. The good news is, they grow back. During the summer, he did well, until we started the back to school stuff, then he started picking again. We started having a pattern, every May and August he would pick due to the anticipation of the upcoming changes in his life.
This fall has been a particularly difficult for Donny. He's going from elementary school to Junior High, but not the Junior High that his older siblings had gone to. Plus, with everything that has gone on this last year, he's even more scared to go to school. He's afraid of what could happen. School starts on Monday. We are really hoping that within a few days his anxiety will settle down and he will adjust to his new routine. I am very proud of Donny though. As anxious as he is, he has controlled the urge to pick his hair. It looks like he's actually going to go to school with a full head of hair. Yeah Donny!

The Stigma

For years there has been a stigma placed on people living with mental illness. People grew up watching "Sybil" and  "One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest". Doctors used to suggest to parents that their children had no worth and should be institutionalized. In history, people with mental illnesses were thought to be possessed by Satan or demons. With that kind of history, who would want to admit that their loved one had a mental illness?
One would hope that in this age of enlightenment that people would be more accepting of people with mental illnesses. I think that for most people, this is the truth. I also believe it has come about because people are standing up for their loved ones and pointing out that just because they may struggle with a mental illness, it doesn't take away from the fact that they are still human and care.
That being said....I am furious tonight. I was perusing my Facebook wall and came across the most heartbreaking story I have heard in a while. In Ontario Canada, the mother of a 13 year old autistic child received an anonymous letter from a mother in her neighborhood. The letter claimed the child was a nuisance and had no value of life. She demanded that either the mother move to a trailer in the woods with her animal child or euthanize the child. Ending it by stating either way, the world would be a better place without the child in it. Typing this, I am getting worked up again. How dare this woman belittle the value of this other woman's child! Yes there are times that I get frustrated with Donny. Yes, sometimes he makes more work for us. Our lives are never boring, but I would not want to be without him. He is my son and I love him very much. I cannot imagine my life without him in it. Yes, my son struggles with mental illness. No, it does not take away from his value of life.
I am a christian woman. My faith in the Lord helps me get through those tough days. One thing I truly believe is that everything in life has a purpose, including children struggling with mental illness. I leave tonight asking you to please don't be like that heartless woman in Canada. When faced with a child struggling with mental illness, remember that someone loves that child with all their heart and that God created that child with a purpose in mind.

Communication

One of the hardest things for Donny is communicating to the people around him when he is in distress. For example, right now he is consumed with anxiety about the new school year that is about to begin. He is going to a new school that he doesn't know much about. We went to go visit the school and walk around, but at that time, they didn't know which classroom his class would be using and the principal was still interviewing teachers to fill the position. For the rest of the world, thats just the way life is and we pretty much accept the unknown. For Donny, that puts him into an emotional tailspin. He feels out of control and doesn't know how to explain it. Instead he starts looking for negatives. He behaves negatively to get negative consequences. In fact this morning during a meltdown, Donny said he would rather be back in the Juvenile Detention Center than going to a new school. He doesn't mean it, but its the only way that he knows to express his fears. Donny is doing what he does best. He is being self destructive. He figures then if it doesn't work out then he won't be disappointed.
As his parents, it is hard for us to see him hurting himself and giving up on himself without even trying. Its also hard trying to get him out of these moods where he is purposely looking for trouble. We know that he doesn't mean it, we know that he doesn't really want to be hurt or to hurt, but it is so hard to break through his defenses, to get his attention. Sometimes his pain is so overwhelming that we hold him in our arms and he just bawls, uncontrollably. Then he apologizes once again for being a jerk.
Its also hard for his brother. Drew tends to be the target when Donny wants to cause problems. Like today. Drew was laying on the floor watching tv. Donny sat on the couch and would put his foot on Drew's head. This a problem for two reasons, Donny's feet have caused people to pass out and Drew is 14 and a freshman, his appearance means a lot to him. Donny knows that if he messes with Drew enough, Drew would give him the negative energy that he feeds off of.
When the boys were younger, many times it would end up into a physical fight. As Drew grew up and learned better self control, there were less physical fights and more verbal fights. For Drew its difficult for him to understand whats going on with his younger brother. Its also difficult, because he feels like he is being bullied by his brother, sometimes on a daily basis. He also feels like his little brother gets away with murder while he gets in trouble for everything. He knows that his brother is different, but sometimes he wants things to be "fair" in his mind.
As parents, thats our struggle, trying to fill the needs of both our boys and help them learn how to communicate their feelings with us in a more healthy manner. Its an everyday struggle, but its worth the effort.