The Holidays

Its been a while since my last post. The holidays are always a trying time. It really doesn't matter if you struggle with mental illness or not. But for my Donny, it means lots of changes in his routine. He does not do well with that. November and December seem to be a time when as a family, we just kind of hang on and try to get through each day as best as we can.

Starting with Thanksgiving, our school district usually has Wed-Friday off. I usually cook the family dinner. Most years my mother in law has to work, because nursing homes don't close for the holidays. We have the deal, that she helps me purchase the food and I prepare it. I do this because its important. I remember holidays at my Grandparents. They are some of my best memories from growing up and I want my children to have that too. But because of that, Wednesday is usually spent with all the prep cooking for the feast on Thursday. Because Donny is allergic to artificial dyes, we are very careful about what we serve, but that means most everything is made from scratch. Its hard to find premade foods without some kind of artificial dye, but they have a harsh affect on Donny. They bring out his aggressiveness. Thursday is more cooking and then we spend the weekend either shopping or getting ready for Christmas.

December is not easy either. There is all the extra distractors from the holiday decorations. And its hard to find holiday treats without artificial dye. Also, our son Drew, celebrates his birthday and that is another issue. There are the parties and the shopping, the wrapping. This year, we had some extra stress.

I've been struggling with my own health issues. I've been having lots of pain and numbness in my legs. By the end of the day, they hurt so bad that if someone bumps them, I was brought to immediate tears. It took two months to get into the neurologist. He has narrowed it down to my L4 vertebrae. We have more testing to do, but at least now I am able to take something to help with the pain so that it is not absolutely immobilizing me.

The other thing has to do with the schools. Donovan is in a class where there is very little personal interaction. The students are isolated in their personal study areas. The main interactions are with adults. They do not get to participate in physical education. They spend their day in their personal space. Donny does ok, but sometimes he seeks out human interaction. He did this the week before school got out for Christmas. He was having a day. He started the day by saying that he hadn't taken his meds. When they called me to check on it, I told them that my husband deals with the morning meds so I would have to check with him. He said that yes he had taken them. He said that he had given it to him and went to get him something to eat, so he didn't actually see them go in his mouth, but Donny isn't one that you have to worry about. He is compliant about his meds. Then Donny tried to get his teacher's attention, but she had to go to a meeting. So then he played his trump card. He said the one thing that he knew would get him some attention. He told his teacher that he was thinking about hurting himself. This got him lots of adults giving him attention. He also got to go home early. I know the school had to follow their protocals for this, but at the same time, he was rewarded for manipulating the system.

Don't get me wrong. I know that Donny has tried to hurt himself in the past. The difference is how he is at the time. When Donny is truly in a crisis where he is in danger of hurting himself, he doesn't talk about it. He gets more and more aggitated. Nothing we do helps him regain control. He just escalates and then acts out. I've witnessed this and had to intervene. From experience, if Donny is talking about hurting himself, what he is saying is that he needs someone to slow down and give him some attention. Its just a matter of knowing him so that you can see beyond the words to what he is truly saying. I guess the school didn't see it my way though, because he had a visitor right after Christmas. The CPS investigator stated that the concerns were that my son stated that "my mom hates me and my family would be better off without me" and that we expected him to medicate himself everyday.

The second is far from the truth but the first one I find interesting. I think though that is best left for another day. All I will say today is that most teens express something along those lines at some point, why would you expect a teen living with mental illness to mean it more than the average teen?

Traveling with Bipolar Disorder

We are like everyone else. Sometimes it is nice to get away. The difference is our trips tend to not be tranquil or boring. Traveling with Donny is a masters degree in patience. It doesn't take him long to become bored, even though he tends to pack more things than he could ever hope to use on the trip. On top of what he packs, I usually pack the portable DVD player and his Nintendo ds. Donny also has issues with feeling claustrophobic. When the 4 kids and I would drive to Iowa from Houston, he would have a really hard time. Usually about Dallas, he would start picking fights with his siblings or he would throw a tantrum. I would usually end up pulling over to referee the ensuing fight, which usually ended up with me either restraining Donny or spanking him or both. Then again in Missouri and if it was a particularly difficult trip, somewhere along Interstate 80. What we have discovered in the last few years is that he is acting out because his anxiety level is skyrocketing and he doesn't know how to express what he is feeling. His emotions are so chaotic and twisted up and he just couldn't get a grasp of what he was feeling.
This weekend, we drove the 5 hours down to Edinburg, TX for my nephew's 4th birthday. We were about 45 minutes from Edinburg and he started. He started picking at Drew, trying to start a fight. Then he started with me, at one point throwing something that ended up hitting me in the ear. We were finally able to talk him down and Oscar was questioning him about what feelings he was having and why didn't he use his words to tell us what he was feeling before they got that bad. On the way home, we had one bad tantrum. We pulled over and stretched our legs.  Donny and Oscar talked about what was going on with Donny. A couple of hours later, Donny got my attention to tell me he was starting to get anxious and the frustration was causing him to get angry. We were able to help him calm his anxiety and avoided another tantrum. Donny being able to voice his feelings to avoid a tantrum was HUGE! Besides the obvious avoidance of the tantrum, his voicing his feelings in an appropriate manner is something we have been working on for years. Tonight, I'm doing the happy dance. Don't worry. I know that tomorrow we could very well be back where we were yesterday, but if he could do it once, he could do it again.

September

Its been a while since I have posted. Between my classroom and the boys' school, it has been a bit crazy. Donny did well the first couple of weeks of school. Now that the work has gotten harder, we are starting to have some struggles. When Donny gets frustrated because he doesn't understand something or he gets overwhelmed when he looks at something that looks like a lot, he doesn't communicate how he is feeling. Its like he doesn't know how to or he thinks its just easier to act out. He is looking for a way to escape the situation. Sometimes I wonder if he even realizes what he is doing. We are working on his communication skills and hopefully, with consistent encouragement, he will begin communicating his feelings.
I want to use my communication skills right now. Tonight I was catching up on Facebook. I came across a simple posting of a relative and friend. Two other women took over her post and in the end, they were not being very nice. The reason I am bringing this up, is one of the ladies made some blanket statements that I have heard numerous times from various sources. She made a comment about serial killers coming from broken homes and being abused. There were some comments about criminals and mental illness.
The first point I want to make is, mental illness knows no boundaries. Anyone could be affected by it. It doesn't care how many parents a child has or how much income. My son comes from a two parent family who have been there for him. The one thing we heard over and over again while dealing with the courts, is that it was not common for these children to have two parents that were so involved in their child's life. Our son has not been abused but he has been disciplined. One of the many doctors we have seen over the years said to me once that one in ten people with ADHD has other issues too.
The other point I want to make is that just because a person struggles with mental illness, does not mean they are bad people. When Donny is having a good day, he is loving and fun to be around. He can be so thoughtful and caring. He has an unusual sense of humor and an inquisitive mind. He also has an intelligence that his school work doesn't show.
The third point I want to make is that society has for some reason made it ok to make snap judgements about people. People are encouraged to voice their opinions without knowing all the facts. I'm going to be a bit cliche and suggest that things might not be what they seem. Also, don't judge a book by its cover. Without knowing the whole story, you really shouldn't judge others. I have a friend whose nephew was charged as a child molester cuz at 17, he was doing what boys do (so I've been told) and his 4 year old cousin ran into his room followed by the mother. The mother pressed charges that he exposed himself to her daughter. With Donny, I have heard more times than I could even count that his problem is that he needs to be spanked. Been there, done that, it only made his behavior worse. So my challenge to you, try to not judge others, you might not know the whole story. Think about how you would feel if someone judged you without knowing all the facts.

Changes

Change is hard. Not very many people actually embrace change. The unknown is scary. I've seen it over and over again, at work, in society and with my family. My daughter used to freak out before every visit to her dad's house. Not because she didn't want to go, but because it was a change of her routine. When a school gets a new principle, both the staff and the parents have feelings of anxiety. They all wonder if they will be able to work with the new administrator.
Now, imagine that anxiety multiplied and amplified. That's our Donny. He has always done best with consistent routines. We first realized how bad the anxiety was the May he was in Kindergarten. Around the middle of May, we noticed he was playing with his hair. He would take a small amount and rub his fingers together. Then we noticed that he was starting to get little bald spots.We went to see the pediatrician. He called it, trichotillamania. It is a manifestation from the anxiety and the OCD. My hubby and I thought we were smart, so we got his hair buzzed short enough that he couldn't grab any of the hair. That's when we learned that people with Trich will then pull whatever hairs on their body that they can, eyelashes and eye brows for example. Donny looked a little unusual without eyebrows. The good news is, they grow back. During the summer, he did well, until we started the back to school stuff, then he started picking again. We started having a pattern, every May and August he would pick due to the anticipation of the upcoming changes in his life.
This fall has been a particularly difficult for Donny. He's going from elementary school to Junior High, but not the Junior High that his older siblings had gone to. Plus, with everything that has gone on this last year, he's even more scared to go to school. He's afraid of what could happen. School starts on Monday. We are really hoping that within a few days his anxiety will settle down and he will adjust to his new routine. I am very proud of Donny though. As anxious as he is, he has controlled the urge to pick his hair. It looks like he's actually going to go to school with a full head of hair. Yeah Donny!

The Stigma

For years there has been a stigma placed on people living with mental illness. People grew up watching "Sybil" and  "One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest". Doctors used to suggest to parents that their children had no worth and should be institutionalized. In history, people with mental illnesses were thought to be possessed by Satan or demons. With that kind of history, who would want to admit that their loved one had a mental illness?
One would hope that in this age of enlightenment that people would be more accepting of people with mental illnesses. I think that for most people, this is the truth. I also believe it has come about because people are standing up for their loved ones and pointing out that just because they may struggle with a mental illness, it doesn't take away from the fact that they are still human and care.
That being said....I am furious tonight. I was perusing my Facebook wall and came across the most heartbreaking story I have heard in a while. In Ontario Canada, the mother of a 13 year old autistic child received an anonymous letter from a mother in her neighborhood. The letter claimed the child was a nuisance and had no value of life. She demanded that either the mother move to a trailer in the woods with her animal child or euthanize the child. Ending it by stating either way, the world would be a better place without the child in it. Typing this, I am getting worked up again. How dare this woman belittle the value of this other woman's child! Yes there are times that I get frustrated with Donny. Yes, sometimes he makes more work for us. Our lives are never boring, but I would not want to be without him. He is my son and I love him very much. I cannot imagine my life without him in it. Yes, my son struggles with mental illness. No, it does not take away from his value of life.
I am a christian woman. My faith in the Lord helps me get through those tough days. One thing I truly believe is that everything in life has a purpose, including children struggling with mental illness. I leave tonight asking you to please don't be like that heartless woman in Canada. When faced with a child struggling with mental illness, remember that someone loves that child with all their heart and that God created that child with a purpose in mind.

Communication

One of the hardest things for Donny is communicating to the people around him when he is in distress. For example, right now he is consumed with anxiety about the new school year that is about to begin. He is going to a new school that he doesn't know much about. We went to go visit the school and walk around, but at that time, they didn't know which classroom his class would be using and the principal was still interviewing teachers to fill the position. For the rest of the world, thats just the way life is and we pretty much accept the unknown. For Donny, that puts him into an emotional tailspin. He feels out of control and doesn't know how to explain it. Instead he starts looking for negatives. He behaves negatively to get negative consequences. In fact this morning during a meltdown, Donny said he would rather be back in the Juvenile Detention Center than going to a new school. He doesn't mean it, but its the only way that he knows to express his fears. Donny is doing what he does best. He is being self destructive. He figures then if it doesn't work out then he won't be disappointed.
As his parents, it is hard for us to see him hurting himself and giving up on himself without even trying. Its also hard trying to get him out of these moods where he is purposely looking for trouble. We know that he doesn't mean it, we know that he doesn't really want to be hurt or to hurt, but it is so hard to break through his defenses, to get his attention. Sometimes his pain is so overwhelming that we hold him in our arms and he just bawls, uncontrollably. Then he apologizes once again for being a jerk.
Its also hard for his brother. Drew tends to be the target when Donny wants to cause problems. Like today. Drew was laying on the floor watching tv. Donny sat on the couch and would put his foot on Drew's head. This a problem for two reasons, Donny's feet have caused people to pass out and Drew is 14 and a freshman, his appearance means a lot to him. Donny knows that if he messes with Drew enough, Drew would give him the negative energy that he feeds off of.
When the boys were younger, many times it would end up into a physical fight. As Drew grew up and learned better self control, there were less physical fights and more verbal fights. For Drew its difficult for him to understand whats going on with his younger brother. Its also difficult, because he feels like he is being bullied by his brother, sometimes on a daily basis. He also feels like his little brother gets away with murder while he gets in trouble for everything. He knows that his brother is different, but sometimes he wants things to be "fair" in his mind.
As parents, thats our struggle, trying to fill the needs of both our boys and help them learn how to communicate their feelings with us in a more healthy manner. Its an everyday struggle, but its worth the effort.

The System

After Donny's meltdown in January, we learned more than we like about the system. Donny spent two months in the Juvenile Detention Center while the courts tried to figure out the best way to handle the situation. During that two months the courts paid for Donny to go through up to date psych testing. He also received counseling on a daily basis. He was suppose to be getting schooling while he was there also, but it didn't seem that he made it an entire week without being put on room confinement. My husband and I were able to see him for 15 minutes on Monday nights and Wednesday nights. On Saturdays we were able to see him twice for 15 minutes. All of these meetings were through a window. Toward the end of the 2 months, the judge granted us a slightly longer physical visitation so that we could hug our son and actually hold his hands while we visited. Before this had happened, Donny was never away from us. After he had been assaulted in October, he slept in our bed. He had just begun sleeping in his own room when the world exploded on us. The day Donny flipped out at school was a Thursday. I went to the school. The had him kneeling with his hands cuffed behind his back. I remember fussing at Donny. I got down and was face to face with my baby. I told him that I didn't understand why he did what he did. I repeated what I have been telling him for as long as I could remember. "Actions have consequences" I told him that the police were taking him to JDC and that there was absolutely nothing I could do to help him. I didn't hug him. I thought there would be an opportunity soon after that. I didn't realize that the next time I would be able to touch my baby would be almost 2 months later. I left the school to go pick up Donny's prescriptions and take them to the JDC. At that time I found out that I wouldn't be able to see my son until Saturday morning. To this day, I can not put into words just how totally devastated I was. I wasn't even sure what to do. I couldn't think. During this time in our lives, there was a huge strain between my husband and me. We could barely look at each other. When we actually spoke to each other, it was difficult. I began sleeping in Donny's bed. Partly because it made me feel connected to him still and partly cause it was easier than fighting with Oscar at night. On top of everything else going on, Drew was lost. He was so angry at himself. He figured that maybe if he had been around to stop the other boys from beating Donny up then maybe none of this would have happened. In his mind, he was the big brother and he should have protected his little brother. He felt like he had failed his brother and us. Even though the two bickered on a daily basis (like most brothers) Drew would wander around the house and yard, lost and bored.
Every other week, we would meet in the courtroom with the Judge, the DA, the PO and our court appointed attorney. One of the recommendation made was parent classes for parenting children with mental illness. This was a turning point for us. We started feeling a bit more empowered as parents. Oscar and I started working through our differences and coming together as a team. This is how I became aware of NAMI. NAMI gave us some tools, but they also gave us hope. I did learn from them that there is an increasing number of emotionally disabled children in the system.
Our concern became Donny getting comfortable within the system. We really picked up force in our efforts to get him released. And we were successful. But it was temporary. Donny came home and the district said he had to either go to Bootcamp or Alternative Learning Center. Considering that Donny had tried to kill himself twice in JDC, I really was afraid that if he went to Bootcamp that he might try again. I feared that the more times he tried, the greater chances he would succeed. So we put him at ALC. that ended up not being a good situation. Either the teachers didn't know how to work with children with mental illness or they just didn't care. And Donny felt their indifference. On Monday of his second week there, he was so desperate to escape that he ended up pulling the fire alarm thinking that would give him the chance to leave. He was taken straight to JDC. That night during our visit, we were trying to understand what happened. The school hadn't contacted us to tell us anything. All we knew was that the police officer that transported him told Oscar that he had pulled the fire alarm. Donny was upset and his recollections were confused. He told us though that the principal of the ALC told the police in front of him that she never wanted that child on her campus again and that the officer agreed with her. As Donny was telling us this, he began weeping. He was devastated by their statements and I was devastated because as my son sat there weeping, I couldn't hug him. It took us about another 3 weeks before the judge released him again. This time when he was released, they told him if he came back again, they would be placing him in a psychiatric care facility. They also have provided with a great psychiatrist and a counselor that is willing to think outside of the box to help him be successful. My son is very lucky. He has so many people that love him. So many people that are on his side, wanting him to be successful. It breaks my heart to hear about the children in JDC that have no one. No one to come and visit them, no one to say they care, no one to fight for them, no one to just hug them when they are down. There are times that Donny makes my blood boil and he drives me to the brink of frustration, but never have I not loved him. Right now we are working as a family to heal. I thank God everyday for this opportunity and pray that after he finishes his year of probation, that we won't have to deal with the system anymore other than the psych visits. I also pray for those boys and girls that have no one. I hope they find the strength to find a better path for their lives.

Meltdowns

The worst part of living with someone with Bipolar Disorder is the meltdowns. Sometimes we can see Donny starting to escalate but other times it seems to come out of nowhere. The meltdowns consist of verbal aggression and physical aggression. We pretty much live day to day. Donny can have a number of great days and then something happens. Sometimes we have no idea what sets him off. It is much easier figuring that out after a full fledge meltdown than when you see him escalating and not knowing how to stop him before its too late. Once it gets too far, he has lost control of himself. Many times, he has even blanked out what has happened.
When Donny starts to escalate, he usually starts off verbally attacking whoever is around. From the time he was little, he has used language he was sure to get a rise. I have been called a lazy fucking bitch so many times that I couldn't even begin to count. But the one name he is favoring these days is nigger. A little black boy that lived near us when Donny was younger would call Donny that every time they disagreed on something. Donny quickly picked up that that was used to let someone know that you were mad at them. Since then, he has learned that that word tends to get pretty big reactions. He then uses those reactions to build up his own emotional meltdown.
Along with the verbal escalation then comes the physical escalation. When Donny was 3-6, Oscar worked nights. By the time we got home from work, Oscar was going to work. This meant that from the time we got home until Donny fell asleep, I couldn't let Donny out of my sight. I couldn't even go restroom or I would catch Donny chasing his siblings with baseball bats or knives. As he got older, his aggression became more intense. Many times I would have to use all of my strength to restrain Donny so he wouldn't hurt himself or a sibling. In the process I ended up with a share of bruises. Donny was not trying to hurt me, he was just blindly swinging, trying to escape his own demons. Once he starts to gain control again, then he cries with regret. He clings to me or Oscar and just cries. After all that, he is usually tired. Then he forgets that anything has happened.
For the most part these days, we are working with him on calming himself before he escalates. Sometimes it works, other times not so much but he is doing better at targeting the aggression at walls rather than people.
This last October, Donny was beaten up by some boys in our neighborhood to the point that required multiple surgeries. We tried to press charges, but the local police department told us that boys will be boys. They even told the other parents about the medical reports that I had and suggested that they get something so that they wouldn't have to press charges. I'm guessing this was because one of the boys had a grandfather on the force. So from this, PTSD was added to Donny's list of mental disorders. Adding the PTSD to the bipolar disorder meant that we ended up with a keg of dynamite. We just didn't know what would be the flame to light it. We found that out in January. Donny's favorite teacher left to pursue one of those opportunities that change your life. With her leaving, a substitute was brought in. On the fateful day, the sub and the para took the class out for recess. One of the other boys threw Donny's football to a boy that Donny had personality issues with. In the instant, Donny lost it. He attacked the other child, when the substitute tried to intervene, he hit her too with the sticks he had picked up off the playground. At this point he picked up a beer bottle they found and after breaking it, he threatened to kill them with it. The Principal tried to talk Donny down. This is a man that has known Donny since he was born. Donny has loved and respected him for many years, but on this afternoon, none of that mattered. He even attacked the officer that he has gotten along with for years. What comes next will be a whole other post. Just suffice it to say, as the officer was explaining to me about what happened, Donny didn't remember a lot of the details. What I find scariest is just how quickly he escalates to the point of physical aggression but then to have no recollection of it.
As I said, he is going to therapy to try to learn coping skills. Bipolar disorder doesn't just go away. We are all learning how best to cope and to have as "normal" of a life as we can.

The Hoarder

One of the more difficult things for my husband and I to deal with is Donny's hoarding. One of his psychiatrist said it was a behavior and control issue another said it was part of his OCD. All I know is that the boy has got to stop.
This brings up the difference between a pack rat and a hoarder. I am a prekindergarten teacher and the mother of 4 children, so it is natural for me to be a bit of a pack rat. Everything is so expensive anymore, so if I can save money, I will do it. Being a pack rat, I save things that I can use in my classroom, such as empty toilet paper rolls or paper towel rolls, empty butter dishes and my newest project involves saving Miracle Whip squeeze bottles, thanks to a Pinterest idea.
A hoarder saves things just to have the things even if they serve no interest or purpose. I can't tell you how many times I have had to shoo my son out of the recycling bins at the school behind our house. The other day, he was riding his scooter out in front of the house, back and forth between the neighbors. He started going just a bit further and a bit further, then made a break for the house down the street, where the people had moved out and had left a pile of trash out in the front yard. He was obsessed with searching through the pile of trash to see if there were any treasures. He found 2 books that even though they were above his level he just had to save from the trash. When the neighbor next door moved out, Donny rescued a case of empty coca cola glass bottles, the little ones from back in my childhood, and an old trophy.
In the attempt to get him to take control of this, I have gone on strike. We have been trying to get him to clean his room now for 2 months. Last time he cleaned it, we threw 10 bags of trash. Its time to hire a crane to come in again. He won't sleep in his room because its too dirty. I have the roll of trash bags ready. I'm working on a motivator to get him to at least start the cleaning process, then I will go in and help him again shovel through his hoardering (is that a word?).
Donny's obsession with junk has gotten to the point that we even had to include something in his BIP at school to not let him bring "trash" home. His teacher and I even decided one year that he wasn't to bring a backpack because it became a vehicle for hiding things he would dig out of the trash.
My mother-in-law calls Donny her "Twister". Its very appropriate because he goes through my house like a tornado. It gets very frustrating when I am trying to clean the house. If I clean during the day while he's awake, I'll never get anything done. As fast as I clean an area, he has 2 more areas destroyed. He'll go into my room to look for something and totally turn my room upside down. There is a Charles Schulz character that I believe was based on my baby, although he is finally doing a better job about showering and stuff. We'll just keep taking it one day at a time. Between his meds and his therapies and the systems we have set up at home, I have faith that someday we will help him get control of his hoarding (hasn't happened it). In the mean time, if you come by for a visit, we can sit and chat in the yard. Have a pleasant day.

The Voices

One of the things that we don't like to talk about are the voices. From time to time, Donny has reported that he hears voices. He was tested for schitzophrenia, but they came back and said that wasn't the issue. The doctors answer is that the meds were misbalanced and would adjust them. My husband's family as a culture, believe in ghosts, so my husband believes that my son is a medium of sorts for ghosts. I grew up not really believing in ghosts. To me, they have always been something that was in stories to try and scare people.  That being said, Donny makes it hard not to start to wonder if maybe I was wrong about ghost. 
When he was about 3 or 3 1/2 years old, he would go into our restroom and would carry on these one-sided conversations. We would ask him who he was talking to but he would just smile and say nobody. Then one day our daughter, Ashley, was playing on the computer in our bedroom and heard Donny talking again. She came into the restroom and told my husband that Donny was talking in the restroom again. Oscar snuck into the bedroom and peeked through the crack in the door. He could see Donny in the mirror. Donny looked in the direction of the bathtub and asked "Daddy?" Then he looked at the door and said, "Daddy, you can come in." That time when Oscar asked Donny who he was talking to, Donny said a boy's name. Then he told Oscar that the boy killed himself. Now we are talking about a 3 year old who hasn't been exposed to things like that. I couldn't figure out how he would come up with something like that.
In the last 9 years, there have been other times when Donny has heard voices. One of his counselors suggested that he use his faith to make the voices stop. She told him to take a breath and then tell the voices to leave him alone. She told him to tell the voices he belongs to Jesus. Recently, Donny has discovered that if he carries a Bible or if he sleeps with a Bible the voices are silent. He discovered this during summer school this summer. The first week he didn't hear any voices. The second Monday, he had forgotten his Bible at home. Very quickly in the morning his teacher called me and said he was becoming very agitated and was getting worked up. I went to the school and picked him up. I asked him about what his problem was and at first he would just respond that he didn't want to talk about it. I wouldn't let it drop though because and I hadn't seen him that worked up in a while. I explained that I couldn't help him until I understood what was going on. He got very upset and said that the voices wouldn't leave him alone. I asked him what they were saying to him and he said they were talking in languages he couldn't understand. He kept saying voices, so I asked him how many voices were talking to him. He said he wasn't sure but there were a lot of them and they were talking angry and mean to him. Before I could get him calmed down completely, he reescalated and grabbed my belt for taekwondo and wrapped it around his throat begging me to let him die. He was crying and saying that the only way to make the voices stop was for him to die. I was able to get the belt away from him and followed the appropriate steps. Currently, he is back to himself and not hearing voices. I don't know what it is he's hearing, but it breaks a mother's heart to see her 12 year old son so desperate. It also adds to my helpless feelings to see my 14 year old watching this happen again and feel helpless. He feels like its he's job to protect his brother but he doesn't know how. He loves his brother, but he's like others and he doesn't understand his brother. He just doesn't know how to react to things anymore and he tries to hide his emotions. Then they overwhelm him and I have a 14 year old crying in my arms looking for answers. He'll deny this happened though because he is 14 and it is cool to admit to having emotions. And that may be the only normal thing about our family.

living in chaos

The one thing about people with Bipolar Disorder is that they are misunderstood sometimes even by themselves. Donny sometimes finds himself with this uncontrollable urge to irritate. He tends to target his 14 year old brother Drew, but sometimes its whoever is closest that will react to his actions or words. He'll push and push until he gets the reaction that he is looking for, but then when he gets it, he doesn't understand why his target is upset with him. For a while, we were starting every morning with him saying, "Mom, I'm sorry I was a jerk last night." I would accept his apology and try to talk to him about what happened. I would ask him why he did what he did and he would have no answers. Its to the point now that as he is apologizing, I point out that when each morning starts with the same apology, it loses meaning and he needs to try harder to control his actions. It is a work in progress.

My name is Tracy. I am the mother of 4 children. I am writing this Blog because I read another blog and reading that I wasn't the only one living this life was helpful. If reading what I write helps someone else feel like their ok, then I'm happy. My children are 21, 20, 14 and 12. I love them more than I ever thought possible, but for the most part, this is going to be about my youngest, Donny and how he has affected the rest of the family. Donny has been diagnosed with ADHD, ODD, OCD, anxiety, depression, trichotillamania, Bipolar Disorder and now PTSD. We knew from the time Donny was a baby that something was a little different about him than our other children. As an infant, Donny didn't like to be held like the other children. He preferred to be in his infant seat where he could watch everybody than anywhere else. As a toddler, he didn't take redirection well. He would get very angry and throw exaggerated tantrums. Most toddlers will test the limits but when told "no no" they usually back down. Not Donny. He would often become aggressive. At 3 1/2 years old, it got to the point that I dreaded having to pick him up from daycare because I knew what the drive home was going to be. It would start with him getting out of his car seat. Then when I would pull over to put him back in, he would get aggressive, hitting and kicking and some times even biting. Eventually I would get him back in his seat. My two oldest would try to keep him in his seat so I could drive home. Thats when he would start throwing his shoes and anything else he would grab at my head. Home was about 10 miles from daycare and we usually had to pull over 3 or 4 times. I felt horrible. Nothing that we tried seem to work. My husband and I finally went to speak to the pediatrician. I was in tears and feeling like a failure. As a PreK teacher, part of what I do is work with the parents on effective discipline procedures, but I couldn't figure out how to discipline my own son. I saw myself as a fraud. As we sat there with the pediatrician, he looked at me and asked if I was ready to have the discussion. Nine years later and we are still looking for answers. We haven't really talked about happens. There is a negative stigma attached to mental illness and we didn't want that changing how people thought of Donny. But we've learned that hiding it doesn't help, so I hope that my sharing our experiences, help others.