The Voices

One of the things that we don't like to talk about are the voices. From time to time, Donny has reported that he hears voices. He was tested for schitzophrenia, but they came back and said that wasn't the issue. The doctors answer is that the meds were misbalanced and would adjust them. My husband's family as a culture, believe in ghosts, so my husband believes that my son is a medium of sorts for ghosts. I grew up not really believing in ghosts. To me, they have always been something that was in stories to try and scare people.  That being said, Donny makes it hard not to start to wonder if maybe I was wrong about ghost. 
When he was about 3 or 3 1/2 years old, he would go into our restroom and would carry on these one-sided conversations. We would ask him who he was talking to but he would just smile and say nobody. Then one day our daughter, Ashley, was playing on the computer in our bedroom and heard Donny talking again. She came into the restroom and told my husband that Donny was talking in the restroom again. Oscar snuck into the bedroom and peeked through the crack in the door. He could see Donny in the mirror. Donny looked in the direction of the bathtub and asked "Daddy?" Then he looked at the door and said, "Daddy, you can come in." That time when Oscar asked Donny who he was talking to, Donny said a boy's name. Then he told Oscar that the boy killed himself. Now we are talking about a 3 year old who hasn't been exposed to things like that. I couldn't figure out how he would come up with something like that.
In the last 9 years, there have been other times when Donny has heard voices. One of his counselors suggested that he use his faith to make the voices stop. She told him to take a breath and then tell the voices to leave him alone. She told him to tell the voices he belongs to Jesus. Recently, Donny has discovered that if he carries a Bible or if he sleeps with a Bible the voices are silent. He discovered this during summer school this summer. The first week he didn't hear any voices. The second Monday, he had forgotten his Bible at home. Very quickly in the morning his teacher called me and said he was becoming very agitated and was getting worked up. I went to the school and picked him up. I asked him about what his problem was and at first he would just respond that he didn't want to talk about it. I wouldn't let it drop though because and I hadn't seen him that worked up in a while. I explained that I couldn't help him until I understood what was going on. He got very upset and said that the voices wouldn't leave him alone. I asked him what they were saying to him and he said they were talking in languages he couldn't understand. He kept saying voices, so I asked him how many voices were talking to him. He said he wasn't sure but there were a lot of them and they were talking angry and mean to him. Before I could get him calmed down completely, he reescalated and grabbed my belt for taekwondo and wrapped it around his throat begging me to let him die. He was crying and saying that the only way to make the voices stop was for him to die. I was able to get the belt away from him and followed the appropriate steps. Currently, he is back to himself and not hearing voices. I don't know what it is he's hearing, but it breaks a mother's heart to see her 12 year old son so desperate. It also adds to my helpless feelings to see my 14 year old watching this happen again and feel helpless. He feels like its he's job to protect his brother but he doesn't know how. He loves his brother, but he's like others and he doesn't understand his brother. He just doesn't know how to react to things anymore and he tries to hide his emotions. Then they overwhelm him and I have a 14 year old crying in my arms looking for answers. He'll deny this happened though because he is 14 and it is cool to admit to having emotions. And that may be the only normal thing about our family.

living in chaos

The one thing about people with Bipolar Disorder is that they are misunderstood sometimes even by themselves. Donny sometimes finds himself with this uncontrollable urge to irritate. He tends to target his 14 year old brother Drew, but sometimes its whoever is closest that will react to his actions or words. He'll push and push until he gets the reaction that he is looking for, but then when he gets it, he doesn't understand why his target is upset with him. For a while, we were starting every morning with him saying, "Mom, I'm sorry I was a jerk last night." I would accept his apology and try to talk to him about what happened. I would ask him why he did what he did and he would have no answers. Its to the point now that as he is apologizing, I point out that when each morning starts with the same apology, it loses meaning and he needs to try harder to control his actions. It is a work in progress.

My name is Tracy. I am the mother of 4 children. I am writing this Blog because I read another blog and reading that I wasn't the only one living this life was helpful. If reading what I write helps someone else feel like their ok, then I'm happy. My children are 21, 20, 14 and 12. I love them more than I ever thought possible, but for the most part, this is going to be about my youngest, Donny and how he has affected the rest of the family. Donny has been diagnosed with ADHD, ODD, OCD, anxiety, depression, trichotillamania, Bipolar Disorder and now PTSD. We knew from the time Donny was a baby that something was a little different about him than our other children. As an infant, Donny didn't like to be held like the other children. He preferred to be in his infant seat where he could watch everybody than anywhere else. As a toddler, he didn't take redirection well. He would get very angry and throw exaggerated tantrums. Most toddlers will test the limits but when told "no no" they usually back down. Not Donny. He would often become aggressive. At 3 1/2 years old, it got to the point that I dreaded having to pick him up from daycare because I knew what the drive home was going to be. It would start with him getting out of his car seat. Then when I would pull over to put him back in, he would get aggressive, hitting and kicking and some times even biting. Eventually I would get him back in his seat. My two oldest would try to keep him in his seat so I could drive home. Thats when he would start throwing his shoes and anything else he would grab at my head. Home was about 10 miles from daycare and we usually had to pull over 3 or 4 times. I felt horrible. Nothing that we tried seem to work. My husband and I finally went to speak to the pediatrician. I was in tears and feeling like a failure. As a PreK teacher, part of what I do is work with the parents on effective discipline procedures, but I couldn't figure out how to discipline my own son. I saw myself as a fraud. As we sat there with the pediatrician, he looked at me and asked if I was ready to have the discussion. Nine years later and we are still looking for answers. We haven't really talked about happens. There is a negative stigma attached to mental illness and we didn't want that changing how people thought of Donny. But we've learned that hiding it doesn't help, so I hope that my sharing our experiences, help others.