It saddens me that we have to have a suicide prevention day, but I understand the need. Donny was seven when he was first considered a suicide risk. At first that was hard for me to understand. He was still a baby, but my baby had the beginnings of a plan on how he would do it. The psychiatrist explained that it isn't like with older people that become consumed in their depression and end their life to end the sadness. He said its more because of his anger issues and impulsivity. He said that children struggling with these issues are prone to commit suicide to get back at someone for making them angry and don't stop to think about the fact that they won't be there anymore.
As Donny grew up, the risk continued but the reasons shifted somewhat. There is still the anger and impulsivity factor but now there is the escape factor. When things get too overwhelming for Donny, he looks for a way to escape. If he can't find any other way to escape, he then looks to suicide. To this date, he has attempted suicide 3 times, thankfully unsuccessfully each time.
As a parent, this is our worst nightmare. I live in fear of him actually being successful at some point. Statistically, with each attempt, his chances of being successful increase. I pray that he finds some peace. I pray that he doesn't fall into drugs and alcohol like so many other teens that are dealing with mental illness. I also pray that I don't let my fear of losing my baby keep me from being a parent to him. Sometimes I worry that if I push too hard, he'll do something bad, but at the same time I know that it is in his best interest that he is held accountable for his actions. It feels like I am on a balance beam 100 feet in the air. One wrong step could be deadly consequences. At the same time I'm also trying to be there for my other children. I know I have made mistakes. I have my own demons to deal with and sometimes they interfere when I'm dealing with the kids. Sometimes I'm so afraid of making a major mistake that I just want to curl up in bed and hide from life, but that's not an option. So, instead, I pray for another day with my children. I pray that Donny beats his demons and lives a long life. I pray that I do the right things as his parent and that I don't give into the fear or anger. I pray that I show him that I love and accept him. I pray that we all hold him accountable and that he sees that we are doing it out of love. Most of all, I pray that when tomorrow comes, he is still here to feel our love.
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