It saddens me that we have to have a suicide prevention day, but I understand the need. Donny was seven when he was first considered a suicide risk. At first that was hard for me to understand. He was still a baby, but my baby had the beginnings of a plan on how he would do it. The psychiatrist explained that it isn't like with older people that become consumed in their depression and end their life to end the sadness. He said its more because of his anger issues and impulsivity. He said that children struggling with these issues are prone to commit suicide to get back at someone for making them angry and don't stop to think about the fact that they won't be there anymore.
As Donny grew up, the risk continued but the reasons shifted somewhat. There is still the anger and impulsivity factor but now there is the escape factor. When things get too overwhelming for Donny, he looks for a way to escape. If he can't find any other way to escape, he then looks to suicide. To this date, he has attempted suicide 3 times, thankfully unsuccessfully each time.
As a parent, this is our worst nightmare. I live in fear of him actually being successful at some point. Statistically, with each attempt, his chances of being successful increase. I pray that he finds some peace. I pray that he doesn't fall into drugs and alcohol like so many other teens that are dealing with mental illness. I also pray that I don't let my fear of losing my baby keep me from being a parent to him. Sometimes I worry that if I push too hard, he'll do something bad, but at the same time I know that it is in his best interest that he is held accountable for his actions. It feels like I am on a balance beam 100 feet in the air. One wrong step could be deadly consequences. At the same time I'm also trying to be there for my other children. I know I have made mistakes. I have my own demons to deal with and sometimes they interfere when I'm dealing with the kids. Sometimes I'm so afraid of making a major mistake that I just want to curl up in bed and hide from life, but that's not an option. So, instead, I pray for another day with my children. I pray that Donny beats his demons and lives a long life. I pray that I do the right things as his parent and that I don't give into the fear or anger. I pray that I show him that I love and accept him. I pray that we all hold him accountable and that he sees that we are doing it out of love. Most of all, I pray that when tomorrow comes, he is still here to feel our love.
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Saturday, September 10, 2016
Saturday, August 13, 2016
Wow. It has been a long time since I have posted anything. Life has been busy.
We are getting ready to start a new chapter in our home. This year, we have decided that instead of sending Donny to the school that he is zoned for, that we would try an online public school. We are really excited about this. We haven't gone into this without a lot of thought, prayer and discussions. Of course we are worried about him having a lack of social interactions, but we will have to be responsible for putting those in his path.
This year, the school district said the students had to go to the school that they were zoned for. In the past, they had bussed the students to one further away. My biggest issue with him going to the one we are zoned for is that it is literally, right across the street from us. Now for some students, this would be an advantage. For Donny, this is a major disadvantage. Donny is a runner. When he feels overwhelmed or angry, he just wants to escape. Last year he school was too far from home for him to leave, even though he threatened to do that more than once. With the school be across the street, there is not the distance to make him stop and think about his actions.
Another consideration is the program he is in is ran a lot like ISS. The students sit in cubicles all day. They eat there and they work there. There isn't a lot of interaction between the students or anyone else. This causes boredom and self entertainment, which usually ends with a phone call to us.
All this being said, we are starting a new chapter. Online Public Education. Thursday we will be having our Transfer ARD meeting. I'm not sure who is more excited, Donny or us. Praying that we made the right decision.
We are getting ready to start a new chapter in our home. This year, we have decided that instead of sending Donny to the school that he is zoned for, that we would try an online public school. We are really excited about this. We haven't gone into this without a lot of thought, prayer and discussions. Of course we are worried about him having a lack of social interactions, but we will have to be responsible for putting those in his path.
This year, the school district said the students had to go to the school that they were zoned for. In the past, they had bussed the students to one further away. My biggest issue with him going to the one we are zoned for is that it is literally, right across the street from us. Now for some students, this would be an advantage. For Donny, this is a major disadvantage. Donny is a runner. When he feels overwhelmed or angry, he just wants to escape. Last year he school was too far from home for him to leave, even though he threatened to do that more than once. With the school be across the street, there is not the distance to make him stop and think about his actions.
Another consideration is the program he is in is ran a lot like ISS. The students sit in cubicles all day. They eat there and they work there. There isn't a lot of interaction between the students or anyone else. This causes boredom and self entertainment, which usually ends with a phone call to us.
All this being said, we are starting a new chapter. Online Public Education. Thursday we will be having our Transfer ARD meeting. I'm not sure who is more excited, Donny or us. Praying that we made the right decision.
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